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The man who says “life is worth losing” turns 70 today. George
would say that’s irony, not a coincidence. George Dennis
Carlin was born May 12, 1937 in New York City and for the last
47 years he’s been doing stand-up comedy better than anyone
else on the planet. In the process he’s pissed off a lot of
people and accumulated some of the funniest, and most
controversial, quotes known to man. Even a list of 101 quotes
is just scratching the surface. In no particular order here
are his 101 best…
1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking
hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half
of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from
drowning. That’s just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out
and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your
shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning
of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the
third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you
know, you grow.
8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it
up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league
baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to
remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the
second-best policy.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and
settled for very little.
12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there
are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is!
399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be
OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of
you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what
they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you
can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker,
motherfucker and tits.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime,
somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to
set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close
enough to get the job done.”
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one
whose answers I accept.
16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed
it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible
man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every
minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten
specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any
of these things, he will send you to a special place, of
burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to
live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of
time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark
overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you
know has cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those executions in
Texas? Fewer Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just
soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us.
She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a
cocksucker from Guatemala.”
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no
longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can
usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat,
drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If
you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
“practice”?
34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where
the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When
you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying
cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any
organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol
was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against
abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first
place? There’s such balance in nature.
42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and
let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him
outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy,
but it’s always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud
parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he
doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on
the back of our car.”
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe
and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a
painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem
Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life
worthwhile.
49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out
of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too
tired.
51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had
a fourth sense?
52. What year did Jesus think it was?
53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of
Our Country.
54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested
in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s
because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been
trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the
problem.
56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about
you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what
they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they
can raise them to be dead soldiers.
57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one
thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been
able to hear it.
59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die,
it all stays here.
60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only
have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way
you can hear them splash.
61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in
a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou
shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a
building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates
a hostile work environment.
64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the
music.
66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian
manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the
consequences.
67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends
all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message
from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I
quote, “Fuck waffles.”
71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably
bleeding from the asshole.
73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight
actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more
than the client?
75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy
and I realize I’m listening to it.
76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere
is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you
have to be asleep to believe it.
78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays,
we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get
paid just enough money not to quit.
82. “No comment” is a comment.
83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling
something that doesn’t work.
84. You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because
at the moment they’re not actually dying.
86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think
female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a
lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying
attention to.
90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for
people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to
get in a little practice.
91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
93. Hooray for most things!
94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to
work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to
keep them from getting violent and trying to take other
people’s stuff.
95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear
of falling from heights.
96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your
house.
98. Life is a zero sum game.
99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have
as many people who believe it.
101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the
butterfly gets all the glory.
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